After I had read two very interesting articles about Swedish behaviour, I felt like adding my own personal comment about it.
The first article I stumbled upon was published on The Local website with this title: “We Never Had a Single Conversation with a Swede”. It says it all. I discovered it thanks to my two fellow-bloggers The Dippylomat esq.and Nkosazana. In this article, we get to follow the not-so-nice adventures of a British family with an Indian background in Stockholm. They thought it would be very exciting to discover a Scandinavian city that has such a good reputation and influence on the World economy. How disappointed and sad they were! Nobody acknowledged them when they tried to break the ice. The only people who were naturally friendly and with whom they conversed were immigrants!
Here is an excerpt:
We Never Had a Single Conversation with a Swede:
“In fact, aside from in a professional setting, we never had a single conversation with a Swede.
This is a matter of great sadness to us. It seemed to us that the Swedes seem were using the Swedish language as a barrier to discourage exchange, even though most speak excellent English.[…] Many Swedes were off hand, cold, and very few acknowledged us”
Let me tell you my own experience from last week. I had the greatest pleasure of receiving my younger cousin and his girlfriend who momentarily studies in Oslo. On Sunday we went to Skansen, because we wanted to show them the green side of Stockholm. It was a wonderful day, cold but sunny. When we were inside the park, a woman suddenly bumped into my guest Marie from behind and passed away without excusing herself. Marie was a little chocked and I told her…”Don´t be surprised, it happens all the time here, people walk on your feet, hit you with their bags in the tube, never hold the door…and never say I´m sorry”… They pretend not seeing you. But I guess it is not only a Swedish quality, same thing in Oslo.
After a two-hour walk in the park, we went to the restaurant Solliden to enjoy a genuine Swedish Julbord i.e the traditional Christmas dinner.
Now, I´ll make a little digression. For those who have never had a Julbord, you ought to know that Christmas food is exactly the same as Eastern or Midsummer food. It looks the same, tastes the same; only it is served in much fancier plates. But basically you eat everything that Swedish cuisine has to offer: cooked and dried ham with sweet mustard, different kinds of marinated herrings, cooked potatoes, potato sallad, strömming (fried sill), and pancakes with whipped cream for desert and much more. It is not my favourite meal, but we thought it would be nice for our guests to taste typical Swedish food and enjoy real Swedish holidays.
Back to my story. When it was our turn to help ourselves, I went to the buffet and looked for mustard marinated herring, but I could not find it despite all the written notes with the names of the dishes. So I stood there quite a long time not knowing what to choose and after a few minutes I could feel someone´s presence very close to me. A very old and tall man leaning on his crutches. He was just there waiting for me to pick something. I looked at the man with a timid smile and asked him:
– Do you think this is mustard marinated herring?
– No!, he answered with a mean and aggressive tone and looked at me with his icy glance.
I was so stunned by his rudeness that I stayed freeze. Paralysed! I slipped away like a frightened mouse and felt like an idiot. It is only when I came home that I realised what a bastard he was. Then I felt really really angry. Could not get over it and had to discuss it again with my man who suddenly handed me an chronicle from the Sunday edition of Dagens Nyheter (4 dec 2011) by Hanna Mellin. The title of her chronicle? Den oartiga generationen (the Impolite Generation). She had interviewed the etiquette expert in Sweden, Magdalena Ribbing who said that people stopped being polite after 1968 and that the baby-boom generation was the rudest, that their fight for freedom and equality led to this kind of sans-gêne attitude.
When I think of that old chap, it is not his age I focus on, but just on the fact that he was so mean. I wish I had answered back something like “ Thank you for your kind help!” or “Merry Christmas!” I need to train on my tit for tat responding.
More readings:
Local´s article We Never Had a Single Conversation with a Swede : http://www.thelocal.se/article.php?ID=35404#
My friend Christine´s blogg Hoppet är det sista som överger mäniskan: http://ihrafraser.wordpress.com/
Magdalena Ribbing´s blogg Vett och Etikett: http://www.vett-och-etikett.se/blogg/category/magdalena-ribbing/
All The Things I Am 
Hello My Dearest Ms All The Things I am,
I have recently finished reading the Xenophobes’ Guide To Sweden, a paltry little book written by a Swedes (of all people), he does try and shed some light on this rather dispicable quirk, but to be frank it just sounds like a lame excuse.
Apart from the Swedes Lady Dippylomat has introduced me to I have met no other natives, however I have met a charming Kenyan lady (a woman whose nation’s history gives her every right to hate a Brit), yet she is infintely more friendly than any Swede I have ever met.
Your loyal and faithful chum,
~The Dippylomat esq.
I´m actually very lucky, because I do have very nice local friends, It´s just that one person can ruin your impression for a whole folk.
It´s great that you´re reading the Xenophobe Guide…had a god laugh ! Maybe I should read the Guide to the Brits
I have to confess I’m a little disappointed with it. Other than being a Dippylomat my other role in life is that of an author, and I’m half tempted to pitch my little ol’ blog to my agent and say ‘look, see how much better my guide to Sweden is’!
~The Dippylomat esq.
Now I understand why you write so well! I must also confess that I did not laugh all the time. Some parts were lagom funny. I think you should go for it ! I´ll be your very first reader, can even make a lot of publicity !
Im swedish and im not very rude, my friends and family arent either. when people say swedish people are boring, gray and rude, i get offended. I love america, most swedish people do. Dont destroy that for us please.
kisses and hugs Alva
Hmm.. I don’t really have an answer.. I’ve gotten used to it. I don’t really get upset any more, I don’t even make a snide remark back.
Thank god that at least when you get to know people they are nice.
otherwise we would not be married to a Swede !
How flattering of you! Actually, when my Sambo finished reading it heraself she was shocked to discover the author was Swedish!
~The Dippylomat esq.
I stumbled upon this blog entry after doing a random Google search. What I did was I wrote “Why are (nationality) so”, alternatively “Why do (demonym)” and checked what words were suggested to finish the sentences. I thought it would give me an idea of some of the stereotypes associated with different nationalities, and the results were quite interesting. Most was stuff we’ve all heard before: Americans are fat, Brits have bad teeth, Germans are boring, Indians are smelly etc. Being Swedish myself (but living in Japan since five years back), I was curious to see how my countrymen were stereotyped. Some of the classics came up: tall, stupid, good-looking etc. What I had never heard before was the stereotype of Swedish people being rude. This search phrase generated quite a few hits, so I decided to look at some of the links in depth.
At a first glance, I thought this was somehow connected to the more widespread notion of Swedish people being reserved; being quiet can sometimes make you appear cold, arrogant or rude. However, reading some of the stories supporting this claim, I became more and more convinced. Besides, Japanese people are known to be very reserved-more so than Swedes even-yet I’ve never heard anyone describe Japanese people as rude.
Having lived in Japan for five years, my whole adult life since I came here at 19, I have become accustomed to Japanese notions of politeness. Some are just formalities, but most are concerned with courtesy, respect, decency, and the general smooth operation of everyday life and society. It’s something that I’ve come to love about this country, and in fact one of the main reasons I can’t imagine leaving. Visiting Sweden every summer, I often find myself annoyed with people. They stumble into you without apologizing, they stand in your way, they complain, and they never seem to go the extra mile. This is something that causes a lot of frustration whenever I go back to visit. I thought it was just me having gotten to accustomed to Japanese culture, but I’m glad to see that others have noticed the same thing.
About the Indian English family visiting Sweden.. I’m sorry to hear they didn’t have many good experiences with the locals. My theory is that Swedes refrain from speaking English to immigrants (even though these people were tourists, the locals could’ve assumed they were immigrants), as this would be seen as the ultimate form of rudeness. Here in Tokyo, people assume that I can’t speak Japanese because I’m white, and they often try to speak to me in English, which is seen as very polite. In Sweden, it would be seen as very ignorant to assume someone couldn’t speak Swedish just because they came from another country.
Anyway, I apologize for my rant and for hijacking this blog. In the end, we all know there are many countries with people significantly ruder than the Swedes, but of course it would be nice to see a change in this area.
Hi Kristoffer,
I´m so sorry for answering so late. It is always interesting to get anybody´s point of view. It seems that my post was very popular and that a lot of people agree. but once again, I do not want to generalize. I love the Swedes and rude people are everywhere, not only in Sweden. I just was under chock that day.
It is funny, because one of my best friends lives in Tokyo and she said to me that she really appreciated the politeness of the Japanese people. I guess we should organize more exchanges between Sweden and Japan ! 🙂
Ha! I just googled “why are Swedes so….” and it finished the search with RUDE. I used to think it was just their reservedness as well. I’ve lived here for a while now and it makes me so sad to see the lack of effort to acknowledge one another. They are living in a wet, rainy and sunless place for the most part and you’d think they’d want to smile at each other and be a bit civil to make the day nicer, but nope.
I returned from the Swedish Open yesterday only to have Stefan Edberg prove this even more. We met him outside and said hello. No eye contact, no smile and no greeting. Just a look of agitation like the rest of the country.
I really don’t get it. I’ve had au pairs stay with us in California before and they’ve mentioned that Swedes think Americans are fake because we ask “how are you” when we don’t really mean it.
Another thing is that they refuse to move over on the sidewalk. You can be walking, running.. it does not matter. They pick the side they want and it’s up to you to get the hell out of the way.
The are the best drivers I’ve ever seen in any country though 🙂
I just googled “why are americans so…” and all I got was prejudiced generalizations. I don’t see what the point is to spread these unfair judgements to others when it’s really just a way to feel better about oneself?
It’s all about the different codes countries have. Swedes neglecting the american codes while in the US may be considered rude or boring. Americans neglecting the swedish codes while in Sweden may be considered over-social or weird. It’s as simple as that. There is a balance in each code (or the country wouldn’t work) and we naturally want to protect our own. Only, the easiest way to do that is by finding differences with others and only seeing the bad stuff. 🙂
And about the sidewalk… If swedes in general didn’t move over for others, wouldn’t swedes in general walk into each other most of the time as well? 🙂
I’m Swedish, and I’m sorry to say, it’s all true. Swedish are rude, talk behind your back and rather critizice u than help u. We’re seriously thinking of leaving Sweden…
Sarcasm?
🙂
Hey sanna i feel the same too im from philippines and living in sweden and im planning to leave i just cant take the lifeöesd lifestyle of people here really rude talk behind back is so common, id like to find freinds while im here who are like myself happy outgoing and oppened minded
Well I’m swedish and I have to agree with you, but just a little bit. I mean, when you live in a country were it is dark 5 months of the year, it’s freezing cold and everything gets harder to do, you don’t have that much oppertunaties to socialize. I’m not saying that is an exuse for people not exusing themselves after they bumped into you. But it is hard for “outsiders” to really know what I am talking about. Come here at summer and sit in any park and I tell you, people are gonna talk!
Thre is no difference in summer thst just crap lol, sorry to say ive been living here for almost three tear i have good income and everything but that not real happines , you will never understand happyness , people here are just rude and ughhh
Im kinda sorry to hear that you had sutch a bad experince by the swedish hospitality.
Normaly we sweds are relly nice and polite.
Problem is only ass holes are seen we nice folks are not so rude and noticible.
And honestly skansen is in stockholm and well stockholm isent famous for it polite people.
Still sorry to hear that you had a bad experience best regard Fredrik.
Ps relly sorry for my bad spelling
Hi Fredrik
Don´t worry for your English. It is not my mother tongue either so I won´t judge you for that.
How nice of you to tell me that the whole thing makes you sad. The title of my post is a little bit exaggerating I admit. I do not think that all the Swedes are rude, it was just a bad day for me then and for my cousins. I´m still the happiest living in Sweden and I made wonderful friends. But yes, maybe Skansen is not the best place. too many tourists 🙂 Take care!
To me, it seems that the problem is not the Swedes, but all Northern Europe people. As a Brazilian, I can tell you: I went through similar situations in Germany, Netherlands and, the worst of all, Austria (in Graz) – where I had to sleep hungry because no one would sell food for an English-speaking person, and, besides, with an immigrant-like face/skin. By my personal experience, Great-Britain was the only exception.
Hi Eduardo, Sorry if I reply only now. It´s sad to hear that you had you a bad experience in Northern Europe.There is another place where you should not have that problem, it´s Paris. I grew up also with a immigrant-like face as you said 🙂 and never had a problem. There is racism in France too, but people are more tolerant and the thing of politeness is ESSENTIAL in the relations between people there. It´s the first thing you learn at home and at school, like say hello, thank you and good-bye, etc. Basic stuff, which does not always happen in Stockholm. And French people love Brazil, its culture and music ! I do too! I remember a few years ago, there was a special year France-Brazil with lots of concerts in Paris. I did even see Lula then. Huge success! Adeus !
I haven’t been able to figure out if you were asking the old man at the buffet table about the herring in English or in Swedish. If you did talk to him in English, and he was an old man, I’d say it’s likely he never learned English in school, and perhaps only picked up very little of it later in life. If that was the case, maybe he snubbed you off not so much because he was a genuinely rude man, but rather because he would have felt embarrassed if he had tried to respond in a language he doesn’t feel comfortable speaking? I read and write English fairly well, but have a terrible accent and avoid all situations where I might have to speak it – which, of course, means that I also avoid all opportunities to learn and develop a better self-esteem.
Hej Svensk !
I completely understand and even agree with you. I know how it is to speak in another language. Look at me, my mother tongue is French and I blog in English in Sweden! The only problem with that old man is that I spoke Swedish to him. I may say that I speak it fluently, having lived here for 6 years. Thanks to my husband, who is Swedish I know perfectly the rules of politeness and codes in Sweden. And I´m usually the shy one that nobody can hear when I speak. The chocking thing for me with this old chap, is not the words, but his tone. Very aggressive, as if he wanted to say “f…off!” That´s why I couldn´t answer back. Anyway, it´s been a long time now and maybe he has a bad day.
Ha det bra!
I can not agree more!
Born and raised in Sweden.
It still bothers me when people bumps into me without any kind of apology.
The smallest things like a smile or a thank you is too much to ask for even if you give it yourself.
If you move in to a flat and see your new neighbours in the doorway do not even think that they will bother to reply to a happy hello. They will look at you as if you smell bad instead.
If someone held the door for me I make sure to thank them, but almost never do I get the same in return.
Sorry but I am sad to say it is true.
A few, very few act civil the rest are rude.
but why do they act rude?
Again, not all the Swedes are rude. maybe it´s just a cultural gap between me coming from France where politeness is essentiel to relations and my new compatriots. In Sweden the child is king and parents are trying hard to set limits. Can be one reason.
Interesting post and discussion. I grew up in Sweden, but have lived away for over twenty years. I have myself noticed upon visiting that people don’t excuse themselves when bumping into others, and they don’t give up their seat to the elderly or disabled on buses and subways, etc., to my great dismay. I don’t think I ever thought about this when I lived there but having lived in another country I suppose I’ve become sensitized to a different social code. Now this seems to be a tendency from what I’ve come across, but I wouldn’t pull everyone over the same comb as the Swedish expression goes. I have also had plenty of experiences with strangers in Sweden in public exchanges who have been extraordinarily friendly, fun and accommodating. There are of course always exceptions.
I do think in the case with the very old man that he was just a grumpy old man and you were being annoyingly indecisive and holding up the food line (to him).
Now, if we want to look at why Swedes are “rude” or not very social and outgoing and warm and accommodating, etc., I think it has to do with the reservedness of the people in general, and I really do think one has to look at the climate and environment. I think it’s developed (at least partially) from self-preservation. Of course, I am not an anthropologist. It makes me think of how southern Swedes like to make fun of the Swedes way up in the north (where it’s a colder and more inhospitable environment) because those people are considered very laconic in how they socially engage.
I know myself that I am sometimes accused of being aloof, and I don’t mean to be.
Now, on an additional note, I spent a brief period in Japan and actually did find the Japanese people to be rude! So go figure. It’s really so subjective to one’s particular experience.
Hi Anna and thank you for your comment.
I´ll start with the old man. I did not hold him up the food line. I was just standing next to hime and ask for an advice. But, anyway…
I think that your explanation about how the weather can have an impact on people´s manners makes sense. If you compare with people in southern France, they´re always out in cafés and socializing and chit-chatting about anything. My man told me a lot of jokes about the northern Swedes and on how they communicate. I could also take him an an example. When I text him, I usually write real sentences and finish with a thanks or hugs or “puss” and just answers “OK!” (the other explanation is that he doesn´t like cellphones). He has worked with French people for 20 years and told me how often he was upset when his boss could not say exactly what he wanted nor make simple and direct sentences. Communication is not easy.
I also feel that I have to defend the Swedes despite the content of my post. Even though it can be difficult to break the ice with them, when you really get to know them, they are your friends forever. People here are much more sincere than in southern France or maybe in other Mediterranean countries. They don´t play or try to manipulate you. This is the way I experienced it and I made wonderful friends. Of course, there are exceptions. That´s why I feel at home and it is not a grumpy old man who´s gonna ruin it.
Your experience about the Japanese is interesting. One of my best friends (French) married to a Japanese and living in Tokyo for 6 years now, told me the same thing. At work, they all respect the rules of politeness, but as soon as they´re out in the subway or any public transportation, it´s the jungle! And especially if you´re a white and blonde girl, the women there will be very aggressive and show you how much they despite you. When my friend was pregnant, people were just making fun of her or saying terrible things in front of her not knowing that she understood Japanese. On the contrary, if you´re a man, all the girls will chase you because you´re the ultimate catch! Crazy country!
Addendum: I took a look at the “We Never Had a Single Conversation with a Swede” article. My reaction to this article is that the writer/visitor shows a lack of understanding of the Swedish culture and society — and did not bother to try to take a look at what’s playing into things here and understanding where Swedes are coming from. In this way his view is myopic and prejudiced. He’s not trying to understand another culture but instead jumping to negative conclusions simply comparing to what he is used to in his home town. I agree with most of the commenters on that article. He seems to have unrealistic expectations of what kind of exchanges one should have with people when visiting another country. A lot of the writer’s comments apply to experiences that can be had in any country. In most countries, strangers are not going to exchange with you in a restaurant or public transportation. People keep to themselves. But yes, this is even more so true in Sweden. Swedes are a bit more reserved. This does not necessarily make them rude.
Anna,
Despite your avarice with regards to clading what everyone are assuming to be varger in sheeps clothing, I’m inclined to ask; why would a person who truly believes Swedes aren’t rude search for, and read an entire blog about how they are? Shouldn’t you be searching things like, “Swedes aren’t rude?” If you don’t believe they are rude, then perhaps you know someone who does, and you’re questioning the why people think they are. I would venture to say anyone who read this thread is.
Objectively, Swedes have historically lived in a scarcely populated country. Their culture has developed according to the amount of interaction they have had without neighbors living in physical proximity to them. Conflictingly, our world is rapidly becoming increasingly small. Many of the foreigners living in Sweden (and there are MANY in case we forget), such as myself, often condemn others’ behavior as cold, or rude without trying to understand why it is so common. We condemn others’ behavior without seeing that we are perpetuating that very behavior by condemning others ourself. It’s funny, because it is the social environment that determines social values, not any specific group of people, but we want so badly to understand each other that we concoct these lazy biases and pass them off as people.
It’s true people are quiet here. However, the less time I spend talking to people here in Sweden myself, the more time I spend participating in meaningful introspection, and I’ve come to the conclusion that many people in Sweden, like myself, are typically very analytical. This is beneficial in many ways, as Sweden has exemplary social welfare. That is only born of a culture that values people. However, those familiar with Dostoyevsky will remember his character Father Zossima. He had deep compassion for humanity and it’s suffering from afar, but when he would come face to face with another person it was nonexistant. That spontaneous, immediate trust and compassion for fellow humans is aparantly something very alien, and therefore, frightening to people living in Swedish society, nay, all over the world. If we as humans are to evolve beyond our current desire to kill each other the next step will be compassion for each other beyond what our own egos.
I think about a student I had who has been going blind since the age of nine and happened to be Swedish. She’s now in her mid-forties. She told me that she wished Swedes “took more initiative.” In her whole life to that point, she told me, not once had someone offered to ask her if she needed help at the bus stop to know which bus was coming despite her evident blindness (she had to carry a walking stick). My reaction was to say, if they didn’t ask you, then why didn’t you ask them? The notion had never crossed her mind that she was failing to meet the very expectations she was putting on perfect strangers. The change each of us wants can only start by being the one who does it.
Hi
I read your post and I feel like leaving you my own experience.
I came from Mexico to Sweden a year ago, to practice my swedish and learn textile art. I think my land is known for how passionate, expressive and noisy our people are(I consider my self quite calm though) .
And the first two months in here were so difficult, because of the interaction with swedes. The young ones just seem not to realize or care about us (the foregner students), so they weren’t regulating their swedish to our level. They would try maybe once to comunicate with a very fast slang-full language, and after that they would just ignore us, or barely answer our questions (with a hurtful “nej”)
Now I have truly, deep interaction with a swede (my bf). But that’s it. I wasn`t able to make any friend, and I tried to make friends with some of them. But sometimes they just wouldn`t even answer to decly my invitation, which i think even now is very rude.
Maybe i just miss something to decode them, maybe they were just the wrong kind of group to meet Sweden(from a folkhögskola).
Sometimes people on the street starts talking to me, like asking how to go somewhere, or just to share a short comment, and most of them are swedes, they are very polite; but as the one swede i can really talk to explained to me: most of the swedish are nice, but hardly kind.
Just wanted to share.
Hej Esmava,
It was very interesting to read your comment. I totally recognized myself in your words. The weird thing is that I did not have any problem to get friends when I came to Sweden, thanks to my husband and my new collegues (I work every summer at Drottningholm Court theatre and I had to speak Swedish from the very beginning with my Swedish collegues who became my friends later on).
But after 5 years, I decided to go back to school, because I realized that my French diplomas did not help me to get a job. So I started and just finished a 2 year program in communication in stockholm. And What you said about your classmates, I felt exactly the same. especially the first year, despite my efforts. Or, maybe I did not make enough effort. Anyway, I really had a hard time to get in the conversation, because I could only speak “academical ” Swedish and very little slang. very often I didn´t have a clue what people were talking about, because it was too fast and everybody spoke at the same time. As a result I´ve never been able to be completely myself. Just a façade.
At least I learned a lot of slang those past 2 years. I also had the feeling that they did not really care whatsoever or lacked curiosity for people who were different. This attitude was so different from my collegues at the theater.
Maybe there are 2 kinds of people, the ones who have lived in a foreign country, who know what it is to be a foreigner and adapt their way of talking to tourists or immigrants when they´re back home (which was the case for my collegues) and the ones who´ve just been on vacation abroad and are less willing to make an effort when meeting strangers. The only two who were were really nice. the first girl had had an Irish boyfriend and the second was married to a Brazilian!
Many (not all) Swedish people are rude, and basically they Suck.
They are physically beautiful. I think that many (women) are not friendly because they are afraid of getting emtionally hurt because they are very, very delicate and soft inside, it happened today in the subway. And quite by accident. So, the truth is I felt so bad because she looked hurt, that is she came out of her shell, and she noticed I noticed, and I remained cold (I was pretending), I am a sharp New Yorker in Sweden 🙂
I felt so bad, that I dont want them to change anymore, let them be the way they are.
And I dont want anyone in the world or Sweden to be hurt by those violent “immigrants”.
I am going to let them be. Its just what it is, call it cultural or whatever, the reason is I felt her Pain. Yes, I am a guy, but the heart has no gender. Wow.. Let them be.
I hate NYC and much of the US, but no where else to go…. Maybe I will go back to
Copenhagen, I know most “natives” there werent friendly but that was mostly because
of the langue, Germany was bad initially for me, but once I took some German
they were very friendly (its just that the Beer culture gets to me… I have to drink too).
Yes, another thing about Swedes, they are the most beautiful people on
Earth…. The problem? They know they are… So, it takes away their
innocense. Whatever man, I am not into physical only relationships, that
would be so un-natural.
They grow up all humbly without culture. Simply they also take chance to piss on people whenever the situation is safe. Swedes all need a good and loud slap on face to wake them up!
I’m an immigrant living here in Sweden for three years now, and I originally came from Asia. Studying now in a Swedish university (with Swedish as the language of course), and I am the ONLY immigrant in my program. That means that you get to meet a lot of Swedes in school, etc. I’ve been very frustrated with making friends with Swedes because they constantly have that barrier in them. You try to make friends with them, they answer in a nice way. You meet again tomorrow, and they avoid you or talk to other Swedes. To cut the story short. Sweden is a very depressing land because people are so cold, maybe hypocritical at times (with the thought of they’re claiming to have high tolerance to multiculturalism) to non-locals! Sad reality.
I would like to thank my Danish grandfather for immigrating to the US and my Danish American mother for immigrating to Mexico after she married my Mexican father. I’d like to thank them both for giving me a bicultural upbringing.